


downsides

by terrorfics



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Anger, Depression, Mental Health Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Sokka (Avatar) Has ADHD, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Thoughts, kind of?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:06:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27333889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/terrorfics/pseuds/terrorfics
Summary: sokka considers himself a generally happy person, someone who makes people laugh and cheers people up when they're sad. he prides himself on his ability to make even the most stone-faced person crack a smile. he's the one with the jokes, the one that livens up their group whenever they need it. the comedy relief.but he's human too. he can't be happy all the time, no matter how often he begs the universe for it.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 31





	downsides

**Author's Note:**

> been feeling kind of down, so here's this ficlet. enjoy i guess, though i hope no one reading this can relate. let me know if i need to adjust any tags, i pretty much just winged it.

sokka considers himself a generally happy person, someone who makes people laugh and cheers people up when they're sad. he prides himself on his ability to make even the most stone-faced person crack a smile. he's the one with the jokes, the one that livens up their group whenever they need it. the comedy relief.

but he's human too. he can't be happy all the time, no matter how often he begs the universe for it.

actually, if he's being honest, he can't remember the last time he was truly happy, or even --at the very least-- content. he hates being alive, he hates the world. he hates being incompetent, he hates the fact that he can't even begin to match the excellence of his friends, he hates that he even compares himself to them in the first place. he hates himself more than anything though, for feeling the way he does.

sometimes, his sadness gets so bad that he has to talk himself out of downing all of his adhd meds. he'll sit on the floor of the bathroom with the shower running, pills dumped out in his hands. he'll put the pills to his mouth, but then stop, because if he's gone, who's going to look after katara? his dad is great and he loves him, but he isn't the most stable and present person. he can't be, he has to provide for the family. but even besides that, _nobody_ loves katara as much as he does, she's his little sister and the only mother figure he's ever had. no one else will take the time to make sure she's okay, to make sure she's cared for. and she's already been through so much, with the loss of their mother and all the other fucked up shit that's happened to them over the years, he can't do that to her.

and then he'll think about aang and toph. who'd get them out of trouble after they rushed into something without thinking? they didn't even have anywhere else to go, sokka was basically their older brother too, at this point. they were both foster children when he met them, and he was the one who convinced his dad to go through the process of adopting them.

he was there for toph when she opened up about her toxic and overbearing parents. everyone in their little family knew about it of course, but he was the only one who knew the true extent of it. he let cry on his shoulder as she told him about how they treated her like she was some helpless infant, how they made her feel like being blind was a curse. he held her tight, letting her rage about how disgusting they were, how they'd strap her down to her bed with belts if they caught her walking outside of the house, how they let their servants hit her if she didn't obey. he'll decide that he can't leave her either. he had to make sure no one from that wretched house could ever lay their fingers on her again.

and aang. god, aang suffered so much. he was the sole survivor of an entire village after they had all been wiped out by a tsunami. he'll remember how aang opened up to their group about how horrible it was, to watch all his friends and family drown, how he consumed he was by guilt from being the only one who got away. he'll remember how he was the one to help aang when kids at school were making fun of him for his tattoos and culture. and, he'll think _i can't leave, for the sake aang's happiness i'll have to stay_.

then his mind will drift to zuko. that kid probably had the most fucked up life of all of them and had the scars to show for it. two huge burn marks, one on his left eye and another on his chest. he never really went into detail about it but told the group that his father did it. sometimes, he didn't think about his abuse at all, he'll just wonder who will stop him from rushing into fights he can't win, or make sure he stops having run-ins with the police.

he'll think about suki, ty lee, mai, and even azula (now that she's getting therapy). he won't be able to cheer them on at their sports tournaments --cheer tournaments for ty lee--, won't be able to take them out for celebratory ice cream when they won, because they always did.

and then, finally, he'll hear yue in his head, saying _you can't give up, keep going for me_. and he'll realize how much he's letting everyone down by doing this, by even thinking about doing this. and he'll pour most of the pills back into the bottle to take just what he's supposed to. and then he'll cry in the shower, and suffer through another day, just to make everyone else happy.

and after his almost attempts, his sadness is replaced with anger and hatred for everything around him. he'll get angry with his schoolwork, angry with his interests, angry with people, angry with noise, angry with himself. nothing matters to him and it hurts. he can't deal with it all, so he just... gets angry. it's easier, and he knows it's unhealthy but he can't help it.

he takes every little change in tone, every awkward moment, even a small beat of silence as absolute rejection and it infuriates him, and everything he's holding in spills over. he'll blow up on his friends, yell at them for things that aren't their fault. he knows he's fucking up, but he can't help it. it's like his bottled up emotions slip out before he has the chance to regroup. he'll argue with them over little things, provoke them on purpose, just to shut down and storm away after failing to communicate himself properly. he'll be screaming at himself, to apologize, to run back and just fucking talk it out like a normal person. but his legs won't stray from their path, the path to solitude and isolation.

he realizes he has to walk away, though. he hates how scary he is when he's angry, how his head fills with thoughts of murder and torture. toph will make a snide comment during an argument, and a voice will whisper in his ear: _chain her up, then she'll shut her mouth_. katara will roll her eyes at him and the voice will tell him to _punch her, kick her, she needs to be taught a lesson_. it disgusts him, these thoughts, but he can't get rid of them no matter how hard he tries. so he leaves. he knows his temper gets the best of him, and he couldn't imagine hurting the people he loves most after they've already been hurt so much, after he's already hurt them so much.

after a while of being angry though, he'll just feel numb. he has to fake everything; smiles, laughs, tears don't come easily anymore. he'll feel hollow, like angry sokka ripped a hole in his chest and left him to rot. he'll pull his hair, hit himself in the face, punch a wall, anything just to fucking feel something. it never works though. he thinks this is the worst part of it all. he'd rather be depressed and filled with rage than to feel like this, like he's not even a person anymore. it's like he loses his entire identity when he gets like this, and it's fucking unbearable.

so he ends up right back where he started, on the bathroom floor with a handful of adderall.


End file.
